By: Daniel Mark, M.S

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. – Mark Twain

Many people chose to make New Year’s resolutions, such as lose weight, eat better, quit smoking, watch less TV, exercise more, be kinder, save money, etc. These resolutions come from a good place: someone wants to make a change in their life, and they use the start of a new year as a turning point. So gyms are joined, junk food/alcohol/cigarettes are thrown out, salad green fly off the shelves, treadmills are purchased, new books are added to the kindle, old acquaintances are un-forgot, and so on. However, as the weeks (or days) wear on, many of us slip back into our old patterns. By the time a few months have passed Goodwill and Craigslist are chock full of gently used items, gyms have emptied out, exercise equipment has become clothes hangers, and many of our old patterns have crept back in.

This may lead you to ask- what gives? What happens to our motivation? Why do so many resolutions go to the wayside? Well when we are talking about making real change in our lives, the desire or motivation to change is just the first step. This is not to downplay their importance. Often it takes us a long time to build up the motivation needed to make significant changes in our lives. However, most resolutions are made in a way that makes it hard to succeed! When we set goals for ourselves, there are several steps we can take to improve our chances of being able to follow through.

1. Get Specific: What exactly is the goal? Eating better could mean many different things- fewer calories, more fiber, fewer animal products… Getting into shape could be getting stronger, running faster, dropping body fat percentage, etc. When we set ambiguous goals like this, it becomes difficult to know when we reach them. Make sure your goal is clear to you.
2. Set up the steps: What is it going to take to reach your goal? What are the little pieces that are going to fit together to make the bigger picture? This can include deciding how often or how much each step will be. For example, going to the library to read for one hour three times a week.
3. Track your progress: Ask yourself “How could an outside observer see the change?” Try to set up concrete or quantifiable ways of measuring your progress.
4. Anticipate challenges: Often times our old habits developed for a reason. There are things in our lives that push us towards our old habits. Think about what is going to stand in your way and start making plans! If you want to watch less TV, what is going to replace that time? If you are cutting back on drinking, how will you respond when offered alcohol? Further, anticipate setbacks! Sometimes things don’t go according to plan. We have to build in flexibility when planning in order to increase our success. Ordering dessert after one dinner doesn’t have to mean the diet is over. After setbacks, we have to revisit our motivation for change and figure out how we can set our selves up for better success in the future.
5. Add motivation: Changing our habits is not easy! Add incentives or ways of keeping yourself motivated along the way. How could you celebrate your 20^th trip to the gym or 2 weeks without a cigarette? You know yourself best, so come up with ways to celebrate your successful steps.
6. Be reasonable: It can be very tempting to reach for the stars when setting a goal. But the bigger the goal, the longer it is going to take. If your goal is to lose weight, think about how long it took to put the weight on. Something like training for a marathon takes months, not just weeks.
7. Get support: We all get by with a little help from our friends. Is there a way to get your friends/family/coworkers on board with helping you reach your goals? Maybe they know better than to offer you a cookie. Having a gym/reading/diet buddy can help keep you accountable.

At the end of the day, it is great that you want to make improvements in your life! If you follow these steps, you can set yourself up to meet your new goals. If you are interested in learning more about setting goals, North Texas Counseling Associates is going to publish more on making changes in our lives in the upcoming weeks. Finally, if you think you need help finding motivation or setting up a plan for your success, you can meet with one of the many different therapists at North Texas Counseling Associates who can help you along the way!

By: Kaitlin Cross, MA, LPC-Intern

The Power of Gratitude

With the holidays quickly approaching, I am reminded of the importance of gratitude. Research shows the benefits of practicing gratitude are nearly endless. Robert Emmons, psychologist and author of Thanks!: How the Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier, states several advantages to practicing gratitude including:

• Gratitude allows us to be in the present moment
• Gratitude blocks toxic emotions
• Grateful people are more resilient to stress
• Grateful people have a higher sense of self-worth

However, gratitude doesn’t need to be reserved only for momentous occasions. Sure, it’s easy to be reminded to be grateful during the holidays, or big accomplishments, but one could show gratitude for something as small as someone opening the door for them, a compliment, or saying thank you.

When practicing gratitude, it is so easy to look only inward, on what personally makes us thankful. However, gratitude can also be spread to others through our actions. This could be to your loved ones, children, friends, neighbors, co-workers, teachers, or even complete strangers! With that, I thought it would be helpful to highlight some easy ways for you and your family to incorporate gratitude, both as a personal practice and to spread the power of gratitude to others!

1. Notice and delight in the small stuff
   • By pausing to notice and take in little things throughout the day, such as a sunset or appreciating a stranger that held the door for you, you’ll feel more appreciative.
2. Write a gratitude letter to someone
   • Take some time to sit down with your child and write a gratitude letter to a family member or other individual. Don’t worry about it being perfect, state it straight from the heart. You and your child might not just make someone’s day but impact their overall life.
3. Keep a gratitude journal
   • Listing out 3-5 things you are grateful for and share with others once in a while.
4. Meditate/ Pray
   • Maintain a daily practice of mindfulness or prayer.
5. Look for the positive in frustrating situations and discuss it
   • Take time after difficult situations and discuss what benefits or gains may be taken from the situation. Often mistakes are the biggest opportunities for growth.
6. Look for awe-inspiring moments throughout the day
   • Even something small, could add a positive to your day.
7. Make a gratitude jar
   • Obtain a physical jar and write on individual slips what you are grateful for, add to it throughout the year, and reread them towards the end.

8. Share your gratitude at bedtime
   • Spend 5 minutes before bed thinking or asking what you or your family what you are most thankful for.
9. Share your gratitude at the dinner table
   • During the meal, spend time by going around and state what you are grateful for.
10. Compliment others
    • Provide a kind comment or observation about someone.
11. Keep it positive on social media
    • While we all are aware of the negative effects of social media, the fact is most of us are involved on one type of platform. With that, why not use it as a podium to spread gratitude? When you see an inspirational quote or uplifting post, share it, send it privately to a friend, or tag your loved ones.
12. Make a vow to practice gratitude.
    • Research shows that making a pledge to perform a behavior increases the likelihood that the action will occur. Therefore, writing your own gratitude vow could encourage you to continue your daily practice. It could simply be “I vow to count my blessings every day,” and post it somewhere where you will be reminded of it each day.
13. Participate in a random act of kindness
    • Treat someone to a coffee, buy a lunch for someone in need, give someone your aisle seat on an airplane, donate to a community shelter or organization. The opportunities are never-ending!

14. Volunteer to help others
    • Getting out in the community an easy way to show people their wellbeing matters to you. Whether you’re volunteering at a school, hospital, foodbank, community storehouse, or participating in a fundraiser to support a charity, you’re getting out there for a good cause and inspiring others to do the same! Those on the receiving end of your efforts will be so appreciative of the time and energy you spent to help them.
15. Smile!
    • Finally, one of the quickest, easiest way to increase gratitude both in yourself and others. By smiling your brain releases endorphins, making you feel happy and less stressed, and also spreading kindness naturally to others.

 

Here are some additional gratitude prompts to help get you started:

This month, I hope we’ve inspired you to not only practice gratitude within but to also spread gratitude to family, friends, and complete strangers. We, here at North Texas Counseling Associates, want to express our gratitude to you all for letting us offer support to you and your loved ones each and everyday!

By: Bailey McAdams, M.ED., LPC

Signs, Symptoms, and Strategies

As this school year kicked off, I am reminded that never before in the 15 years I have been a counselor, have I seen so many stressed out kids.  I am currently seeing more and more children and adolescents with symptoms of anxiety and depression related to school stress than any other diagnosis.  One of the primary difficulties in identifying this is that it looks so very different in every child that I see.  As a result, the stress often goes untreated or supported until it has manifested itself into something much bigger.  So… I thought it would be helpful to highlight some of the signs to look for so that parents and educators can be a part of the prevention of anxiety and depression vs. intervention/putting out fires’ mode.

Signs and Symptoms

• Difficulty with sleep either initiating or sustaining. It is important to assess when the behavior began.  If it seemed to have increased since the beginning of school, that is a clear indicator that school stress is a factor.  Some children just require less sleep or are sleep avoiders any old time, not just when school is in session.  That may be related to something all together different.  I saw a meme over the summer that rang so true for me as both a parent and a clinician, “The number one cause of dehydration in children is bedtime”.  This made me laugh but is so very true.  Some of these behaviors can be seeking to delay bed time in an effort to hold off the following school day.
• Changes in appetite-You may observe they are either eating significantly more or significantly less related to the beginning of school or with an increase in school related assignments. Often times stress can suppress an individual’s appetite; however the dopamine hit that we receive when we eat certain snacks or foods can lead to mindless overeating as a negative coping tool.
• School refusal behaviors
  • Somatic complaints to get out of going to school (headache, stomachache, “I’m sick”).
  • Separation anxiety is either heightened or out of character for the child.
  • Additional out of character behaviors for your child (ie: withdrawal from peers, conduct issues at school, refusal to go to school/participate in school)
  • Frequent reports of negative events occurring at school. (Bullies, negative interactions with authority figures, few positive reports)
• Gastrointestinal complaints with no physical explanation. (Also could be a school refusal behavior)
• Extreme emotional responses. If you notice that your child or teen is “over reacting” or you feel that they are crying over something that you may consider “small” this may be an indicator that they are heightened in their emotions.  An example for a young child might be crying because you are out of milk.  Hint:  It’s not about the milk.

 Strategies

Here are a few of my favorites for any age:

• Calm down jar: Take a used water bottle, fill it up most of the way with warm water, and add glitter glue, loose glitter, and food coloring to your heart’s desire. Super glue the lid to secure the contents.  Encourage your child or teen or even yourself to shake it as hard as you can and then watch all of the contents calmly float to the bottom.  Take slow deep breaths as you watch.  Check out the YouTube video “Just Breathe” by Julie Bayer Salzman and Josh Salzman as a supportive tool for this exercise.
• Take 5 Breathing: Spread the fingers of one hand into a fan and place it on your leg or a table. Using your index finger of the other hand, trace your fanned hand.  As you trace up, breathe in through your nose, as your trace down, breathe out through your mouth.  Your child will notice that inside their inner fingers feels sensitive which provides both a sensory/grounding and relaxation benefit.
• Processing Outlets: Draw or write your feelings then tear them up and throw them away. We are not meant to keep or commemorate the things that hurt or stress us.  It is a good way to take charge of our feelings and provide ourselves with a good outlet.
• Grounding/Mindfulness: Use your 5 senses to connect to what is actually going on around you, literally in the room you are in vs. where your thoughts/fears/worries decide to take you.  Ask yourself what you can feel? What does it feel like? What do I hear? What can I see that I haven’t really noticed before? What do I smell? Take a drink of water? What does it feel like or taste like?
• Resources:
  • “Anxiety Workbook for Teens” by Lisa M. Schab (ages 13+)
  • “The Mindfulness Skills Activity Book for Children” by Chris Willard, PsyD and Mitch Abblett, PhD. (ages 7+)
  • “The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook for Kids” by Lawrence E. Shapiro, PhD. and Robin K. Sprague, LCPC (ages 10+)
  • “Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life for Kids” by Jennifer J. Solin, PhD. and Christina L. Kress, MSW (ages 7-12)
  • “How Do You Doodle” by Elisa Grave (ages 7+)
  • “Hello, Happy!” by Dr. Sharie Coombes (ages 7+)

It is always helpful to know that when this stress impairs your child’s ability to function in day to day life, it may be beneficial to speak with their pediatrician or primary care physician and consult a Licensed Professional Counselor.  A benefit to your child receiving care from a counselor is that they receive support and coping strategies and you receive a support network where you can learn parenting tools including how to talk with them about their stress and assist them with implementing their tools.  Who knows, your stress may be reduced as a result.  Win! Win!

by Alana H. Fondren, M.A.

“You wake up in a forest clearing. You have no memory of how you got there. As you sit up and look around, you see three other individuals who also seem just as clueless and dazed as you. You reach down to your belt, but you realize your sword is gone. In fact, neither you nor your companions seem to have any weapons of any kind. In the middle of the clearing, you notice a wooden chest with a large lock. What do you do next?”

I know what you’re thinking. Dungeons and Dragons? That’s a board game, isn’t it? How does rolling dice and pretending to fight monsters help with managing stress or improving relationships? You may be surprised to learn that Dungeons and Dragons (or “D&D” for short) can be used as a therapeutic tool and outlet for a variety of domains, including communication, problem-solving, assertiveness, emotion management, handling unpredictability, and perspective-taking. How, you may ask? Well, it’s more than just magic…

 

 

 But first, a little history!

Dungeons and Dragons was created in 1974 by Gary Gygax and Dave Arneson. Back in the day, it was restricted to a mail-order instruction pamphlet and a set of dice. While the game increased modestly in popularity during the 1980s and 1990s, it did not hit the mainstream until it slipped into popular shows such as Futurama, Big Bang Theory, and, most recently, Netflix’s smash hit series, Stranger Things. As of 2018, the developers of D&D reported record sales, which are only projected to increase over the coming years. Celebrities such as Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, Vin Diesel, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John C. Reilly, Tim Duncan, Jon Favreau, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Drew Barrymore, Aubrey Plaza, Anderson Cooper, Mike Meyers, and even the late Robin Williams have all professed their love for the game. More than ever, players young and old are exploring dungeons and slaying dragons through this open-ended game of shared storytelling.

But what sets D&D apart from other games? And, more importantly, what makes it a useful tool in therapy?

D&D requires imagination or “theater of the mind.”

 Dungeons and Dragons isn’t like your typical board game. While you can use maps, figurines, and other accessories to enhance your playing experience, these aspects are all optional and not required. In truth, all you really need is a sheet of paper, something to write with, and a set of dice (In fact, these days, you might not even need the dice! There’s an app you can download on most major smartphone devices that will simulate dice for you). The players can create their characters based on a variety of choices. They select their race, class, alignment, and even personality traits. It is fully customizable, and the only limits are the players’ imaginations.

The dungeon master (or “DM” for short) sets the stage by providing a variety of settings, scenarios, and encounters for the players to navigate. The DM will offer an assortment of choices, and it is up to the players to negotiate with one another to decide what they want to do and how they want to do it. But the true magic of this process involves the storytelling aspects of the game. It is up to the DM to describe the environment in as much detail as possible – from the bumps of the cobblestone streets, to the smell of smoke wafting through the air, to the sounds of swords clashing in the distance. Likewise, it is up to the players to describe how they react. This encourages players to be playful, creative, fun, and flexible with their choices. D&D enables players to travel to faraway lands, face fantastical foes, and accomplish amazing feats, all without having to leave the comfort of air conditioning!

D&D allows for exploration in a safe space.

 Roleplay and imaginative exercises are common tools in “traditional” therapy. By working through an imagined problem, it provides an opportunity to practice desired skills in a safe environment without fear of certain consequences. The same is true for Dungeons and Dragons. Playing D&D lets players try out things that may be hard for them to accomplish in the real world.

Say, for example, you want to be better at asserting yourself to bullies. In the real world, there may be consequences to this, and it may be a little too scary. In Dungeons and Dragons, on the other hand, the Dungeon Master can provide opportunities for players to stand up for themselves without the fear of real retaliation. Players can practice using a clear and strong voice, concisely communicating their needs, and standing their ground against monsters. Players will also have opportunities to pause and consult resources, whether that’s a guidebook, a magic item granted by the DM, or even fellow players. By gaining this imagined exposure to scary situations, players may feel empowered when they encounter similar situations in real life.

 D&D isn’t about winning or losing – it’s about teamwork!

 Dungeons and Dragons isn’t like traditional games in the sense that you are competing with other players to be the best. Quite the opposite, actually! Success in D&D comes from relying on your fellow players and learning how to cooperate with them. This may be a little difficult at first, especially as players are getting to know one another through their characters. The DM can facilitate communication by asking questions, inviting players to share, and pressing “pause” on interactions to process conflicts and promote interpersonal awareness. Each character has different abilities that are learned and used by working together. Team-building is the name of the game.

In a sense, therapeutic D&D can be similar to group therapy. It consists of people dealing with similar problems who are sitting together and supporting one another. Only by utilizing key social skills like compromising, perspective-taking, and conflict resolution can the players hope to move forward in the story. It’s about being present in the moment and accomplishing goals and tasks through togetherness and, ultimately, fun!

 D&D deals with tough stuff.

 Dungeons and Dragons may be about fun and games, but it can also tackle tough themes. The Dungeon Master can choose to incorporate all kinds of heavy subject matter as a way to expose the players to new ways of thinking. Because D&D is purely imaginary, it is an ideal space to confront complex and uncomfortable emotions. Sadness, loss, loneliness, and even trauma can be explored through characters’ backstories or interactions created by the DM. In fact, these techniques have been used to help specific populations, such as veterans who are coping with post-traumatic stress disorder, or individuals diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder who feel deeply isolated from others.

One example from one of my previous D&D games involved a character finding out that his father had been killed in battle. The players (and the characters) had tackle the feelings of outrage, disbelief, anger, and grief in real-time. Although the loss was pretend, it was clear the player was deeply impacted by these emotions. It was also a powerful and moving experience to see how the characters comforted one another and helped them move through the mourning process. Through these experiences, players are able to learn how to navigate painful encounters, while perhaps even processing their own painful pasts.

 D&D leads to greater understanding about yourself.

 Ultimately, D&D gives players an opportunity to explore new aspects of identity – who you are, who you wish you could be, your strengths and weaknesses, your hopes and fears. Pretending allows us to escape in a way that facilitates learning something new – about your friends and about yourself. Aspects of real life inevitably begin to emerge in the game, and it is up to the DM to process these experiences in a therapeutic way. Players can place pieces of themselves in their characters, or they can create someone completely different than who they are in real life. Either way, D&D gives the players a chance to try new things and discover new facets of their identity. Sometimes it takes becoming a hero in a game to feel strong enough to become the hero of your own story.

If you would like to learn more about the Dungeons and Dragons Social Skills Group we are conducting at NTX Counseling Associates, click here! We are also in the process of recruiting for an Adult D&D Social Skills Group – call us at 817-281-6822 to learn more!

If you are interested in learning more about Dungeons and Dragons, as well as how it can be used therapeutically, check out these links:

• Interested in D&D but don’t know where to start? Here’s a beginner’s guide: https://www.dndbeyond.com/forums/d-d-beyond-general/streams-video/38474-dungeons-and-dragons-roleplay-101-beginner-tips
• A recent article about former NTCA Psychologist Jared Kilmer using D&D with veterans at the Dallas VA – https://www.blogs.va.gov/VAntage/62951/va-north-texas-group-therapy-uses-storytelling-and-dragons/
• Information about Game to Grow, a non-profit organization dedicated to using educational and therapeutic gaming groups: https://gametogrow.org/
• Syfy’s “How Tabletop Games like Dungeons and Dragons can be Therapeutic for Players” – https://www.syfy.com/syfywire/how-tabletop-games-like-dungeons-dragons-can-be-therapeutic-for-players

 

 

 

As a parent and a counselor for children, one of my biggest fears as my oldest entered kindergarten this year was that she would encounter the dreaded “bully”.  Growing up, we have all experienced that child, but somehow, it’s different when it’s your child preparing to enter a world that you have very little power or influence over.  Unfortunately, my precious girl inherited my qualities of being very caring and compassionate coupled with extreme sensitivity.  I am definitely experiencing a taste of what my mom felt raising a sensitive kiddo.  While these are wonderful qualities, they can make dealing with a “bully” that much more challenging.  My husband on the other hand has always been remarkably unbullyable.  Negativity and the harsh judgment from others do not faze him and never really have.  As you might imagine, this absolutely baffles my mind.  I kept thinking there must be something to it, some method or way of teaching what is so incredibly innate in him.  Turns out, there is!  And it can work for grownups too.  So, it’s not too late for anyone.

In my research of the word, “unbullyable” I stumbled upon Sue Anderson and her brilliant work.  She is a speaker, trainer, coach, and author located in Australia.  She wrote a book of the same name, “Unbullyable”.  She originally began helping children who had experienced bullying at school through coaching.  This eventually

translated into her work with helping the bully to improve relationship functioning, emotion regulation, and behaviors.  It helps to start with the source and I wish there were more local programs that focused on this side of the work.

My absolute favorite takeaway from Ms. Anderson’s work is what she calls, The “Four Powers”.  These powers enable a child to reclaim control of his or her thoughts, feelings, actions, and words specifically with regard to bullies.  This translates so beautifully into how we would like our children to approach life in general.  I love how she describes helping the child “stubbornly refuse to be affected by bullying attempts toward them”.  Ms. Anderson describes the “Four Powers” as follows: 

“We have the ability to control what we think, how we feel, what we say and what we do”.  This mindset helps the child feel a sense of power and control.  Both words are generally associated more with the bully than the individual on the other end.  Long term benefits of individuals using this method involve strategies similar to mindfulness training and neuro-semantics.    

Remove the power unbalance:  We all tend to view those that bully others as being in a position of power over the chosen target.  This is really actually a perception of power based upon physical size, socioeconomic status, popularity, or role. Now there are times when this is absolutely the case as in workplace bullying by a supervisor or boss.  Most of the time however, it is someone who may be the exact same age/grade with no authority whatsoever over the target.

Decrease blaming and increase acceptance of responsibility: By taking control of our “Four Powers” we take out of the equation the tendency or desire to blame someone else.  This is helpful in assisting the child with becoming the “unbullyable” one because they are focusing more on what is theirs to manage vs. what someone else has done or not done to them.    

After learning about this approach to bullies, I couldn’t help but think about super heroes and their special powers and abilities.  So, that is how I now approach that dialogue with my daughter and my clients.  I encourage them to picture themselves as super heroes with super powers.   I even recommend that they draw themselves as the superhero with their special ability being the “Four Powers”.  It is so empowering, I mean who doesn’t want to picture themselves as a powerful super hero in the face of adversity.  Adults too can benefit from being intentional about using their personal powers to take back control from individual who is attempting to take it away.  What we think, what we feel, what we do, and what we say are powers that someone can only take away if we allow them to.

Four Powers YouTube video    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXksX1nRS50

The Power to Choose What You Think YouTube video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yskMbKypyqA

 Written by Bailey McAdams M.Ed., LPC